ISSUE No. 3 ~ APRIL 1999
Welcome Treasure Seeker to one of our hidden jewels.
This is where we make snide, snarky political comments
Any resemblance in these stories to any person,
and report local news in our own way. Frankly, we invent some of it too.
living, dead or otherwise employed, is purely coincidental ...
After Her Majesty's successful visit to Basildon (in the south of our county) for its 50th Anniversary celebrations, Palace Officials are said to have been "pleasantly surprised" by the "warmth and intelligence" of Essex men and girls.
Buckingham Palace told The Irregular:
"Her Majesty was singularly impressed by The Great Tey Web Site. The village seems so much more attractive than Sandringham, one may decide to spend one's summer there instead"
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EURO CURRENCY SHOCK
Britain's economy is so strong that the UK government is to invite the rest of Europe to join the Pound.
Chancellor Brown announced the shock move in his budget speech last month. He said, "The Euro is a failure, its value is crashing on international markets. Once again, Britain will come to the rescue of Europe - just as we have done in two World Wars."
Both the Germans and French are understood to be "unimpressed".
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COUNCIL'S FUME-FREE FUEL FOR FREE!
New propulsion units have been fitted to Colchester's Municipal Vehicle Fleet - powered simply by HOT AIR.
The eco-friendly fuel is also FREE - saving Council Tax payers a packet.
Tons of Hot Air generated during Council meetings is pumped directly into the tanks of vehicles parked in special bays at the rear of the Town Hall.
"Other Councils should follow our example," said a Borough spokesperson.
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BLAIR BACKS GENETICALLY MODIFIED "FRANKENFOODS"
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Colchester High Street was sealed off for three days while Police armed with machine-guns and anti-tank rifles surrounded the Town Hall. The Borough Council has refused to comment on rumours that "an official" had been taken to "a mental facility". |
However, we can reveal that the man dressed in a toga and sandals had declared himself 'King of Colchester'. "He'd been strutting around for a year, giving orders, poking people with a three-pointed spear," our source told us, "but the lions were the last straw." |
"WE'LL RECYCLE EVERYTHING" BOASTS COUNCILLOR
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The Government's intention to bury the County of Essex in European Garbage (as reported here last month) has been opposed by Colchester Borough. Councillors have an 'Ultimate Plan' to recycle rubbish from the whole UK. Committee chairman, Cyril Plonker, told us: "We'll simply turn waste into a safe, wholesome edible product called Colchester Pudding" |
"Nothing will be buried or burned - all will be gobbled up in vast vats of food-making bacteria." Wate paper, plastics, grass clippings, industrial waste - even old, dead Councillors - will all go into the pot." "It will be flavoured like meat or fruit and will be a cheap alternative food for schools and hospitals." |
Jumbo, Colchester's record-breaking, 100ft tall, flying water-tower has been spotted hovering in the sky, half a mile above the ocean south of the Azores.
MP Rupert Spaniel and his team from the Borough's Public Works Department are being flown to the site. "This is not a holiday," Mr Spaniel insisted, "It is strictly an environmental issue - and we want our Flying Water Tower back."
Left: Jumbo over Colchester at the start of its epic flight.
This may be the last issue of "THE IRREGULAR"
for a little while ... we hope you have enjoyed the previous issues.